On The First Day Of The Rest Of Your Life.

So.. here are the things that Donald Trump has lined up to do immediately upon taking office. You got what you wished for America, A quickly deteriorating Economy, and plenty of new enemies and fewer friends worldwide.

On the first day of my term of office, my administration will immediately pursue the following six measures to clean up the corruption and special interest collusion in Washington, DC:

* FIRST, propose a Constitutional Amendment to impose term limits on all members of Congress; [Should be interesting to see who bites on backing this…]

* SECOND, a hiring freeze on all federal employees to reduce federal workforce through attrition (exempting military, public safety, and public health); [Yeah, that’s gonna hep the unemployment rate]

* THIRD, a requirement that for every new federal regulation, two existing regulations must be eliminated; [Who needs regulations, China does just fine without any keeping them from putting lead in the toys]

* FOURTH, a 5 year-ban on White House and Congressional officials becoming lobbyists after they leave government service; [So you have to leave, but now you’re gonna hove to go work at Home Depot]

* FIFTH, a lifetime ban on White House officials lobbying on behalf of a foreign government; [That plum is gonna cut both ways]

* SIXTH, a complete ban on foreign lobbyists raising money for American elections. [I’m good with this one]

On the same day, I will begin taking the following 7 actions to protect American workers:

* FIRST, I will announce my intention to renegotiate NAFTA or withdraw from the deal under Article 2205 [Sure, who needs open trade]

* SECOND, I will announce our withdrawal from the Trans-Pacific Partnership [Yay, less open trade]

* THIRD, I will direct my Secretary of the Treasury to label China a currency manipulator. [Who needs their goods anyways. Walmart sure don’t.]

* FOURTH, I will direct the Secretary of Commerce and U.S. Trade Representative to identify all foreign trading abuses that unfairly impact American workers and direct them to use every tool under American and international law to end those abuses immediately [Because we produce all those things here… right?]

* FIFTH, I will lift the restrictions on the production of $50 trillion dollars’ worth of job-producing American energy reserves, including shale, oil, natural gas and clean coal. [Oklahoma needs MOAR earthquakes. amirite?]

* SIXTH, lift the Obama-Clinton roadblocks and allow vital energy infrastructure projects, like the Keystone Pipeline, to move forward. [Who needs clean water, You should just switch your house to Evian] 

* SEVENTH, cancel billions in payments to U.N. climate change programs and use the money to fix America’s water and environmental infrastructure [That’s not how fighting climate change works.. Oh, sorry forgot, Climate Change isn’t real.. At least Florida will sink first] 

Additionally, on the first day, I will take the following five actions to restore security and the constitutional rule of law:

* FIRST, cancel every unconstitutional executive action, memorandum and order issued by President Obama [Good precedent. we need to start over as a country every 4 years anyways.]

* SECOND, begin the process of selecting a replacement for Justice Scalia from one of the 20 judges on my list, who will uphold and defend the Constitution of the United States [no surprise here. Goodbye Civil Rights Acts…]

* THIRD, cancel all federal funding to Sanctuary Cities [Git out of my country]

* FOURTH, begin removing the more than 2 million criminal illegal immigrants from the country and cancel visas to foreign countries that won’t take them back [damn illegals. Course, that means that since you’re cancelling visas to those countries, you’re also not gonna get to go to Puerto Vallarte any more either.. It’s not like they aren’t gonna start blocking Americans in retaliation or anything]

* FIFTH, suspend immigration from terror-prone regions where vetting cannot safely occur. All vetting of people coming into our country will be considered extreme vetting. [Well. Most of Europe has terror attacks, so I guess we’re gonna have a real limited number of folks coming in”]

Next, I will work with Congress to introduce the following broader legislative measures and fight for their passage within the first 100 days of my Administration:

Middle Class Tax Relief And Simplification Act. An economic plan designed to grow the economy 4% per year and create at least 25 million new jobs through massive tax reduction and simplification, in combination with trade reform, regulatory relief, and lifting the restrictions on American energy. The largest tax reductions are for the middle class. A middle-class family with 2 children will get a 35% tax cut. The current number of brackets will be reduced from 7 to 3, and tax forms will likewise be greatly simplified. The business rate will be lowered from 35 to 15 percent, and the trillions of dollars of American corporate money overseas can now be brought back at a 10 percent rate. [Massive Tax cuts worked out so well for Kansas after all]
End The Offshoring Act. Establishes tariffs to discourage companies from laying off their workers in order to relocate in other countries and ship their products back to the U.S. tax-free. [not gonna complain too hard here, though the businesses that loved him during the election might..]
American Energy & Infrastructure Act. Leverages public-private partnerships, and private investments through tax incentives, to spur $1 trillion in infrastructure investment over 10 years. It is revenue neutral.
School Choice And Education Opportunity Act. Redirects education dollars to give parents the right to send their kid to the public, private, charter, magnet, religious or home school of their choice. Ends common core, brings education supervision to local communities. It expands vocational and technical education, and make 2 and 4-year college more affordable.
Repeal and Replace Obamacare Act. Fully repeals Obamacare and replaces it with Health Savings Accounts, the ability to purchase health insurance across state lines, and lets states manage Medicaid funds. Reforms will also include cutting the red tape at the FDA: there are over 4,000 drugs awaiting approval, and we especially want to speed the approval of life-saving medications. [Good one. Health Saving plans mean you get to use all of what you personally set aside, because so many of us have so much extra $$ laying around after the bills are paid]
Affordable Childcare and Eldercare Act. Allows Americans to deduct childcare and elder care from their taxes, incentivizes employers to provide on-side childcare services, and creates tax-free Dependent Care Savings Accounts for both young and elderly dependents, with matching contributions for low-income families. [Matching contributions from low-income families. so make sure the ones most impacted are the ones least able to afford this [I’m starting to wonder who is gonna be making all the interest off these savings accounts. sounds like someone is going to get rich off everyone else getting poorer]]
End Illegal Immigration Act Fully-funds the construction of a wall on our southern border with the full understanding that the country Mexico will be reimbursing the United States for the full cost of such wall; establishes a 2-year mandatory minimum federal prison sentence for illegally re-entering the U.S. after a previous deportation, and a 5-year mandatory minimum for illegally re-entering for those with felony convictions, multiple misdemeanor convictions or two or more prior deportations; also reforms visa rules to enhance penalties for overstaying and to ensure open jobs are offered to American workers first. [Yeah, who needs skilled tech workers. Do you really want Billy-Joe from down the street with 3 hour community college building your Bank Portal?]
Restoring Community Safety Act. Reduces surging crime, drugs and violence by creating a Task Force On Violent Crime and increasing funding for programs that train and assist local police; increases resources for federal law enforcement agencies and federal prosecutors to dismantle criminal gangs and put violent offenders behind bars. [Stop And Frisk anyone? [course all you have to do is be born the right shade and you won’t be targeted…]]
Restoring National Security Act. Rebuilds our military by eliminating the defense sequester and expanding military investment; provides Veterans with the ability to receive public VA treatment or attend the private doctor of their choice; protects our vital infrastructure from cyber-attack; [how? build a wall?] establishes new screening procedures for immigration to ensure those who are admitted to our country support our people and our values [Litmus/Religious/Political test. yeah, that’s American]
Clean up Corruption in Washington Act. Enacts new ethics reforms to Drain the Swamp and reduce the corrupting influence of special interests on our politics. [Yeah, those were the people who got you in office. they are not gonna be so excited by this part]